All Done! Oh no wait....

I woke up today with a little smile of relief on my face. I survived the January exams - probably didn't get through it with straight A's, but hey at least I'm still in one piece! I then logged into track, and I've got two new offers! That's four out of five! Amazing! Just got to hope that I've met the required grades, but for the next month and a bit until results day there's nothing that can be done, so I'll just relax.

Well.. I say there's nothing to be done, but that's just not true... I've got to get my English and History course work done before next term, and then revise for the summer exams. I keep trying to remind myself that actually this isn't a never-ending stress- machine, and eventually it'll be the summer holidays, and that's something to look forward to! It's all been planned and booked, and won't clash with the summer exams, which is arguably a good thing, I'm yet to be convinced.

I'm just pleased that I'm not in the year below right now, they're going to a UCAS fayre at Surrey Uni tomorrow, which we all did this time last year. It was good fun, before we arrived. There was a sudden panic when we entered the hall and saw how many stands there were, from universities all over the country. I ended up bringing home so many prospectuses for absolutely no reason. It took hours and hours reading over each one trying to choose a course that I liked, and that wasn't too close or too far away from home - i.e far enough to not have the parents drop in uninvited, but close enough to make use of the free food and washing machine if needed. I don't know how I ever managed to whittle down the hundreds of choices to just five, but over time it just happened, gut instinct more than anything else. I just decided if I didn't really love it straight away then it wasn't worth three years of my life.

Remembering that grand day out reminded me of how much hard work we've already done to get to uni. In a really short space of time we've achieved a massive amount, and we've got even less time now to finish it all up. It's scary but I'm so pleased it's almost over.

The Final Week

Oh. Well.... Looks like I'm going to have three re-sits in the summer.... Revision is killing me. Interim reports are making it an even more torturous death. And not going out is making me very, very snappy... Which is why I haven't blogged; too much hate, can't vent online, it's mean exposing you innocents to such unkindness!

Oh yeah AND I don't get study leave! AND I have three exams in three days! Pretty sure there's a world-wide conspiracy that has been devised by the evil geniuses that run Edexcel and AQA. It all seems an unneccessarily complicated way to make me unhappy and stressy.

In all honesty I hate feeling like this. I tend not to complain an awful lot about anything. But this is bad... I don't pretend to play it cool about exams; I panic, I revise until I'm comatosed and I then don't read the questions properly and majorly mess up. This is incredibly irritating when I have to listen to everyone in the common room say "Oh yeah, I did an hour or so, should be fine, doesn't matter" and then come out with 94% in each module. Lovely. I'm so pleased for them. I'd give my soul to be so naturally gifted, alas I am but a mere mortal in a state sixth form, which is all well and good but I'd like a safety net when I walk into the exam hall. 

Oh well, in a fortnight I'll know whether or not I've absolutely ballsed up this entire thing. Which is good and bad. I'm starting to consider doing a BBC internship and taking that route ... it's probably just being so tired and bored of college and exams making me say that, really I'm not in the right frame of mind to make such decisions. But there's an alternative that I'd genuinely enjoy, which is reassuring. I think I'd do well and enjoy it anyway, just wonder how much help a degree would be right now in a career that so heavily depends on networking and first impressions...

I should really focus on revision and not distract myself with such hypothetical passing thoughts. But... It's hard to put so much into this when it's yet another stepping stone. There's an awful lot of work for very little gain. I wouldn't mind if I felt there was really something that would contribute to my future coming out of this, but we've got to wait another bizillion years to get our degree. Never mind, and chin up! Good luck with the revision and exams, and expel equally pessimisitc thoughts from your pretty little heads!

How not to revise.

I'll be perfectly honest and admit that when it comes to revision I'm useless. I'm distracted by eveverything. I'll use any excuse to stop. I'd rather tidy my room than revise; which for me says a lot... I can't help myself! Somehow this is even worse when it's a re-sit, the Irish history module didn't go well for me... I thought it was boring the first time round, doing it again is the most disgusting thing ever!

I'm starting to consider serious measures to keep myself focussed. This includes (be seated before reading, it's shocking) deleteing Facebook. Ouch. I know. I'm usually not that addcted to it, but seeing as I'm online a lot at the moment trying to look for past paper question and other such boring tasks I find it's somehow so much more rewarding to go and complain to everybody else who can't revise too!

I do start the day well, I wake up feeling panicked, and then by the time I get downstaires I've instantly forgotten any feelings of urgency. Really I should be way more stressed than my friends about it, for two big reasons. The first is that they're all smarter than me, by quite a noticable amount, and the second is that all three of my exams are within a three day streatch, one after the other. I know there isn't any point complaining about the timetable, because there isn't anything that I can do about it, but even so I'm pretty sure that examiners are picking on me just for the fun of it... Shame.

Should probably stop blogging and get on with biology, but I really don't think anybody in the whole world will really care how ATP is made. And at what point will photosynthesis really be needed in later life? Ugh. Hate it. At least it's nearly Christmas, something to look forward to, I think... And then New Year's, which is DEFINITELY something to look forward to!

Why my Advent Calander made me cry...

I'll have to take a deep breath before sharing this very distressing story with you all... But may I just say that I'd had a very difficult december 1st, mainly because my biology ISA was a complete disaster, and I then managed to leave my ENTIRE folder in the LRC and convinced myself that it had run away and would never be returned.

Hopefully you'll now know quite how delicate I've been feeling since the application has been sent off. Friends keep posting on facebook about their successses at interviews, and I really really want to be pleased for them... But... Hmm.. I know it's my own silly fault for not having sent mine off earlier on but jealousy makes even the sanest of society completely irrational. So I clearly don't stand a chance.

Anyway, back to the main source of sadness; my advent calander. When my mum handed it to me and said "I'll have to post you one next year. It'll be so upsetting decorating the tree without you." I just felt blue... Yep, cold feet had set in. And I've only just applied! The chocolate covered ticking time bomb from Thorntons just made me realise how little time we had until the end of term, the exams in january, and having to leave our friends and family.

The depressing musing was temporarily broken by the chocolatey goodness and trying to beat my brother at the spot the difference on the back of the box ( I so let him win, confidence boost needed...) I tend to not take life lessons from year 10 students, but as it went my brother was of some use. He asked if he could come up to stay with me for a weekend once I'm at uni. I asked "Why?" without really thinking, and was astonished by the answer... He said "I'll miss you and stuff, but really I think it's massively unfair that you get to go away, make loads of new friends, have a great time in a new place, live on your own, learn loads of cool stuff about the only subject you love, and I have to stay here and do Geography for another two years..."

It might not have been the most eloquent way of putting it; but really it's always easier to be convinced by somebody else that you'll have a great time, rather than trying to make yourself believe it. We haven't ever really talked about 'serious' subjects of life before, but if I had know how wise my little brother was, I would have consulted him on all manner of subjects. Hadn't quite realised how tough it will be to leave home, or quite how easy it'll be to have a great time once I've gone. And now it really feels like I've got something worth working for.

Starting to stress...

Let me set the scene: me, happily sat writing a little essay about Civil Rights for my history lesson tomorrow, when I was rudely interrupted by a terrifying email from UCAS. They have my application... I don't have a rational explanation for my reaction to this, but I suddenly felt very protective of the little thing, as though they've taken it hostage. I really didn't want to send it, and had put if off for far too long.. But now it's gone. Forever.

It feels as though I'm in an odd limbo; they have the application, and in 24 hours they'll have processed it. I have to wait 24 hours until I can log into the Track. I have to wait for Uni Admin staff to process it. I have to wait for emails from genuinely important people, instead of the usual tosh Facebook sends my way. This passive waiting game really irritates me! I want to do something productive, even if the alternative would mean cycling to each university and handing it over myself, or sending it by carrier pidgeon.

Unfortunately UCAS is not the only source of stress that filled my weekend. The smaller of my two kittens decided not to come home last night. I suddenly realised that I have turned into a lonely Cat-Lady a good 50 years before I'm supposed to. I panicked far too much, and decided the only logical solution was to go out on a search party, which obviously meant knocking on all my neighbours' doors to see if they'd seen him, or stolen him. Yet it was all in vain. 

My mum made the rather useless parrallel between this stupid kitten and my own useless ways when I go out and forget that I own a phone. Oops. It's a lesson learned at least. Another lesson learned is that the little kitten is allowed outside, and nine out of ten times he'll return home just fine, and so he did. I came downstairs this morning and he was cuddled up in the dog bed, with the dog, and the other kitten too. It was an odd sight, but a happy one none the less. 

Although this kitten tangent is of absolutely no use to anybody, and has nothing to do with UCAS, I thought you might need a little distraction. It's compulsory to evenly balance useful work with mind-numbing rubbish. Disclaimer: Absolutely no qualified teacher will fully endorse that idea, and I'm really sorry if you fail all your January exams because of it...

Easily distracted? Me?!

So as of about an hour ago my UCAS application has been completed, kinda... I've grammer and spell checked and put in every choice and polished it until it can't shine anymore... But I haven't sent it. Still. For absolutly no good reason.

UCAS asked me how I'd like to pay my £22, and I had a minor epiphany: IT'S ALMOST CHRISTMAS!!!!! On that shocking note, I opened a new tab, and started shopping, for myself mainly ( no, not because I'm selfish, I'm making life easier for everybody by choosing, thankyou!) and so the hour passed by, as did the £20(ish), but on boohoo.com, shame...

Unproductive? I beg to differ! But not quite the task I should've been focussing on right at that very moment, I'll give you that one. It's made only a little bit worse as I've got Parent's Evening tonight, and I know full well that all, yes, ALL my teachers will ask if I've sent off my application. I'll squirm in my seat, mumbling to my feet that it's all ready to go. I'll get the disapproving head-tilt and sympathetic smile as they remind me that it's a difficult decision to make, but has to be done. Does it? Does it really have to be done?

I'm not for a second saying I don't want to go to university. It's just that apathy is dangerous when in such high quantities, on such a regular basis. I'll get it done, sooner or later. Okay, just later. Sooner is not a viable, plausable option, and I'd hate for you to think I'm lying to you.

A little off topic.. But still almost worth talking about

Sorry, it's been a while. I'll make up for my negligent behaviour by having a little moral chat with you, instead of telling you the many things that have come between me and my blog and my personal statement (although that might make a more interesting read).

So far, the only two posts I've made haven't really centred on UCAS or applying... hopefully nobody really minds and so I'll carry on in the same fashion. In a nutshell, I was watching a little newsclip about us students, and drugs. Unheard of, I know! But this is all new, I promise. So instead of Paxman banging on about the protesters camping out in London, even though they should've gone by now, it was actually about the uber-nerds who are getting their fix of something called Modafanil before revising through the night before turning up to their exams.

Let me enlighten those of you also hadn't heard of this before. Broadly speaking, this is steroids for mathematicians. It increases cognitive skills and makes it easier for you to stay up late studying and perform better in exams. It's roughly the same kind of chemicals you'd find in ritalin, but you can only buy it online. So although it's not 'illegal' it's definitely more difficult to get ahold of than Proplus, and certainly unethical. Higher education has already been separated out into different tiers, and is being further split by drug-dealers, sorry, pharmaceutical companies, too? Surely not!

In my mind, and you're welcome to disagree with me, it's the same dilemma that athletes face : there's a massive difference between drinking a protein shake, and taking banned steroids. Loads of people take their vitamin C or cod liver oil etc, but this seems a step way too far to be tolerated. Although it wouldn't be fair to have universities make every above-average student take a drugs test just in case they are taking Modafinil (or anything more recreational) they should definitely be discouraging students from doing so officially. 

Think that's that rant over and done with. Maybe next time I'll post something nice and sweet and focussed on applying to university... but only maybe...

( P.S. Still no closer to fine-tuning my statement. Now where do I get that Modafinil ?  joke )